The Captain

From EspionageWiki

The Captain at a club in Orlando in November of 2007. Picture by Lewda.

The Captain effortlessly sitting down. Picture by Alma.

The Captain, a.k.a. Captain Utah, a.k.a. Ookiash Utah McShmooihooi, a.k.a. D All Of The Above, a.k.a. Saint Sir Weatherly Face, a.k.a. Sir Robot Face, a.k.a. Saint Weatherly is a main contributer to the Espionage Enterprises and the original hard copy of The Good Book. He is the founder of Espionage Enterprises and at one time the self professed ruler of the universe. He is real. His cover story is that he was born on November 8th, 1977 at Baylor Hospital in Dallas, Texas. He currently lives mere yards from that birthsite.

1 History
2 Girlfriends
3 Fun Facts
4 Favorite links
5 External links

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History

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Birth

The Captain was born in the late 16th Century. In a freak accident involving a giant wok of rice and a battering ram he was transported through a rip in time to the year 1996 at the age of 38. Each year in this time he gets a year younger instead of older.

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Early Years

In his early years The Captain enjoyed He-Man and Transformers. He also had a pound puppy. Known for wearing glasses until the age of 12, it is amazing that he does not have a World of Warcraft poster in his room. But in reality, The Captain has never even seen this nerd game. In the first five years of his life he was a top double agent for the U.S.A. and the small country of Lamisil (Just off the coast of Italy, near the boot end.) If you have ever heard him talk about Espionage Enterprises and wondered what it was - it is a billion dollar company that he owns where he sells missiles and whoopie cushions to enemies of the U.S.A. In turn he informs the U.S. about so-called enemies of state. If the information checks out the government will pay him in 5 tons of Legos. He then uses these Legos to build his castle, known as Potatoland U.S.A., just off the coast of Maine. Potatoland U.S.A. was once known as Meet The Perfect Mate back when The Captain ran a dating service.

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Lord Zmolik

The Captain first met Lord Zmolik on Luau Street in Mesquite, Texas. The Lord avoided The Captain for some time because Tori had told him that The Captain was a homosexual and had a crush on him.

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Alcohol

As a youngster The Captain drank wine coolers and beer. Between the ages of 14 and 19 The Captain consumed no alcohol. It was a personal choice - a very stupid one. At a post-prom celebration in May of 1997 he began drinking again due to stress.

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Utahism

Utahism was a short lived religion in the late 20th century (specifically 1997) in which followers, including Josh, Pookie, Max, and The Liz, worshipped Captain Utah for bearing great gifts of mexican food when he returned from a extra-brief trip which he thought would lead to Christmas but in reality only a birthday took place.

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Cranium

From the introduction of the board game Cranium in 1998, until the year 2006, Kevin's record was 192W - 0L. Kevin's undefeated record was stopped by the Matt Bingham, Sunny, and The Great Lord Zmolik in late 2005. It was then discovered that Kevin refuses to have his picture taken of him in the moments after losing any board game.

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Girlfriends

The Captain currently has quite a number of girlfriends - including, but not limited to:

Lewda
Claudia Black
Megan Mullally
Bebe Neuwirth
Anne Ramsay
Scarlett Johansson
Natalie Portman
Gwen Stefani
Maggie Gyllenhaal

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Fun Facts

Kicking Karl W. Blitzkrieg in the face in a variety of situations was a relatively frequent event.

The Captain's last name is completely made up.

The Captain is also the "secret" muse behind all of Stephen Hawking's complete works, being the only man to ever travel through a rip in time.

He lives in a tiny one room apartment with 6 goats that take up most of the space.

The Captain is afraid to walk on carpet so he rides his goats around - everywhere. Thus explaining the mysterious phrase "The Captain and his goats."

It is a little known secret that The Captain's favorite band is "George Thorogood & the Destroyers"

If you like getting punched in the face feel free to touch The Captain's nipples.

The Captain spends every dime of his billion dollars on cock fights. To date he is 2W - 4,399,987L.

The Captain enjoys food a lot. Currently his favorite is Indian cuisine. He also truly appreciates Mexican, Chinese, Japanese, Italian, and French Fries. The Captain is not a real man because he is a vegetarian.

For a brief time in the year 2002 he ran a bible producing company that made bibles for people of all walks of life including but not limited to The New American Fart Version.

The Captain is so crazy, that when women get around him they have so little idea what to do with themselves and his insanity that they resort to their very basest instincts and must immediately place their mouths on his penis. As a general rule, wherever he goes he usually looks like a suckling mugwump.

In the late 1990's The Captain was well known for seeing hot girls and falling into a 15 Minute Love with them. It is called such because after a brief period the girl would have escaped The Captain's thoughts. The girls were rarely informed of their love affair.